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umbrellas in the rain

I still stand aside, quietly looking at the celebration around me; the coy looks and the sly laughs. But I am still; my brain is moving through the moving images of a life past and gone from sight. I keep thinking over and over.

My silence is not an indication of my lack of value or understanding the importance of the tasks at hand. No, it is not negativity or being aloof. My responsibilities have always been a part of how I have lived my life and honored and respected my history and duties.

Grief and loss still wash over me like scattered showers throughout the day. Cloudy with a side of memories.

For the last two years, we watched the most important members of our family deteriorate and pass away. I have lost three family members in the last sixteen months; two of them in the last two months. I miss you more than I ever thought I could. It did not occur to me that there would not be enough words to describe the hurt.

I don’t know when I will feel better or if I will ever feel like myself again. My whole life has revolved around the strong and special women in my life. They were there for so many years, tears, anxieties, laughter, and love. Over and over again.

So party on. Celebrate and live life with gusto. Have an amazing weekend. Grab a wild and crazy evening. Revel. Dance. Smile.

But please remember, that my life has been changed irrevocably. I don’t know when I will feel that kind of freedom again, if ever. So I am quiet. Please don’t judge me. You have never walked in these shoes and obviously cannot imagine what it feels like to have the bottom of your heart drop out.

If you grieve a loss, then we speak the same language of emptiness and pain against a façade of simple life motions and activities. We are part of a club that we don’t want to belong to living on the other side of the abyss. I don’t know how long these dark days will last for us. We are only beginning to learn.

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in and let your words come out the way you want to. Share your grief, your loss, your light right here ~~

Show me how big your brave is …..

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Thank you for stopping by and I look forward to hearing what you have to say
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4 Comments

  1. You won’t ever be the same, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a fact. When the people you love die, they take a part of you with them. Then you learn to grow around that hole, never forgetting it’s there. And because of it, you become someone different than you thought you’d be, maybe even a little more empathetic, a little more understanding. Nothing can make up for the loss, but joy will come again, too, in a different way, for the different person you’ve become. One day, you’ll be happy, and remember, and feel guilty, and that’s the beginning of healing.

    • Thank you for your comment. Sadly, I know that you speak from experience. If I was anymore empathetic, I might drown in my tears. It was already a part of my nature. But yes, the guilt if I laugh, I surely understand.

  2. I lost my father at the age of 7…but still IM longing for him.how id wish I can hold and hug my father everyday!Im always envy those who had still their dad….but I HAVE to move on and live my life to the fullest and be brave so that one day when we meet somehow,somewhere beyond….he can say ‘THAT’S MY GIRL’…theempathyqueen..IM just new here and I really admire you!

    • I am so sorry for your loss. It is a loss, no matter how much time has passed. the love is so great it leaves a hole in our hearts. Your comment is so kind, thank you.


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