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compassion

For some reason, in the last two weeks, a couple of people have made comments to me that it is amazing how quickly time has gone by, as it is almost a year since Mom passed, and I should be feeling better. People don’t know what to say, or how to make conversation, or are just really obtuse. I don’t want to call them stupid, but it might be time to change the batteries in their empathy chips when we turn the clocks back tonight.

I don’t count the days since my Mother has passed. I count long months, tears, memories and the knowledge that I am no one’s favorite. It has been ten months since my Mother passed and nine months since my Grandmother passed on. The period of time watching each of them deteriorating has chipped at my heart of glass and left sharp craggy edges.

I still weep copiously at the sight of my mother’s photos and I wonder when she comes to visit, as a spirit from the Light, if she will linger long enough to leave a message in my dreams.

People want grief to be defined and confined to some statute of limitations. Here is the thing that you need to remember: Grief is Messy. It does not care about times or decorum. It hits when it is most inconvenient or when anything special happens in your life. It makes you weep at the hole in your life without a Significant Other who loves you and thinks you are funny, witty and special.

Loss is a plant that never dies; it has deep roots, with periods of growing and waning, fresh bursts, and blossoms in its season, but can never be fully harvested.

People tell me not to be angry at G-d as it was His decision and his judgment. I am not; my mother was lucky to move to a better life out of her imprisoned body. However, I still miss my Mom.

I am very aware of how much time has passed and the dates on the calendar that mark holidays and other major occasions in our lives. When babies are born, I want to call her and share the news and the photos. As my father prepares to walk down the aisle as a proud Grandfather in two weeks’ time, we are well aware of her absence.

This is not a time of crossing X’s on a calendar counting down to some date of freedom. My mother’s spirit was set free and for her it was a joyous reunion with family long since gone. But, for me, I am chained to the date with full knowledge of what it means. The calendar is a masquerade of days. It is not a sign of moving forward; rather it is a measure of the time I have been looking back over my shoulder to see what is left behind.

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Thank you for stopping by. It means more than you know.

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16 Comments

  1. That was so beautifully written and eloquent. What a perfect tribute for a lovely woman from an even lovelier child. How blessed you were to have each other for the time that you did.

  2. Beautifully written . People are callus in their comments- and many do not understand that time passing has nothing to do with grief- it remains-and continues to remain even with passing time. I am sorry for your losses of people who meant so much to you.

    • Thank you so much. Whether it is one year, or 20, time tosses us back and forth when we think of those we love. I appreciate your condolences. Our family mourned the loss of both of my paternal grandparents and my mother within 16 months. The matriarchs are gone………..

  3. Thank you for sharing this. it’s a great reminder that grief is often complicated and different from person to person. Thankfully there is no timeline so we have the space to feel how we are feeling from moment to moment. Much love ❤

    • What a sweet and comforting comment. You get it. It is so random in its trajectory and the suddenness of it can catch me unaware until I am a puddle.

      • Yes, it still happens to me since my father’s death. He passed 12 years ago but sometimes I will suddenly long to hug him and be next to him. But I think in those moments, I feel that intense yearning, partly because he is right there beside me. As is your Mom, I have no doubt. Lots of love to you on your journey!

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even remember much of this last year, myself. My dad passed away almost six years ago. I think about him daily. When I’m outside enjoying nature, I take a moment and pretend like he’s sitting next to me. I still have washes of grief come over me. Every time I think of how he lingered in a suffering state, I replace it with a thought of one of his silly jokes, his rough beard as he rubbed it against my cheek to hear me squeal, his peaceful presence. Take your time, ignore the ignorant. I think we learn to eventually live in spite of grief. It doesn’t go away, we just come to a place of acceptance. Take care.

    • Thank you April. For me, it is acknowledgement, but the acceptance is so hard. One is acknowledged with the mind and one with the heart. My heart has no logical progression or time frame. For those who have not gone through this, I do find their remarks, or complete avoidance, startling. I cannot imagine ever doing that to someone else.

      • You’re right. I have been so focused on my thoughts, I really haven’t paid much attention to what my heart is telling me. Hmmm….

  5. I love the title of this post. It is very appropriate. Everyone grieves differently and at their own rhythm.

  6. Thank you so much Carol. I truly appreciate hearing your comments and perspective.

  7. On the weekend I cried for my brother once again – and it has been just over 20 years. Grief never dies, it evolves.
    Hugs to you at this time.

    • Thank you Suz, as ever, your kindness is so greatly appreciated. I find that I have to try to keep it bottled up because of other people. But it is not healthy, authentic or ever entirely possible to hide it away.

      • You can’t keep hiding it away. One day the dam will break if you continue to do that.
        Be kind to yourself dear. Let the tears flow when you need them to. Tears are healing.

  8. Beautiful post, and I send along my sympathy in the loss of your mother. I understand the vagaries of grief; my Mom died 26 years ago and I still light a candle for her every day. Please see: http://soulgatherings.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/echoes-of-darkness-sheathed-in-the-light-march-1-2009/

    • Thank you Theresa for your support and empathy. I look forward to reading your post.


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