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death_maya angelou

My mother died five years ago today.  But, tears still come to my eyes.  My children have expressed (or discontinued contact) their opinions on their own childhood as each person packs and carries his/her emotional baggage.

 

Things were not perfect in my relationship with my mother.  I, too, have my own memories of difficult times, very different personalities, or way of thinking.  For those that hear the story, their degrees of separation make them smile at my mother’s behavior.

 

Her way is how she was and is remembered by so many.  Mom made people feel comfortable and welcomed in friendship even if they had met for the first time.  She wrote letters to a jailed community member to comfort him (we knew nothing about this until after she had died).

 

Despite the differences, losing my parent was very painful.  She died of a cruel terminal disease so we watched her suffer before she eventually passed away.  For her it was a blessing, but the gap that she left behind is so large that my father is still struggling to bridge it.

 

She left behind many grandchildren and great grandchildren who would be so grateful to have such a woman in their lives.  Now, she is a photo or the subject of a brief story.  Mom is a reminiscence or a smile.

 

But, for me, tears still continue to fall.  Grief is elastic but never fully leaves the spirit.  It is a goodbye that never ends because there is nothing like a parent and no depth of love that can ever replace it.

 

I don’t know if it is so, but I hope that she is still watching me from the door as I walk away…..

 

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Thanks for stopping by.  It means more than you know.
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7 Comments

  1. “Grief is elastic” – what a good way to put it.

  2. Yes grief is elastic, and loss remains within us. Your feelings of loss greater than whatever distanced you from her in life. My father is gone 12 years and yet sometimes I am surprised at how deep the loss feels, it catches me when I don’t expect it. I am sorry to say the distance between my mother and I was so great by the last years of her life I have never once shed a tear. Sometimes with death there is no loss. May your mother’s memory be for a blessing.

    • Lisa, thank you. I am so sorry to hear again of the difficulties in your relationship with your mother. I recall this…. 😦
      No relationship is perfect, especially in families, but when we feel it can be pursued, we have to choose to both make a relationship work. I cannot make my children communicate with me no matter what I feel. I reach out and try to keep the door open, but cannot make anyone walk through. It hurts and is a loss too.

      Thank you for your kind and supportive words. xox

      • I am so sorry about your children- it is painful and difficult, the more so when you are putting the effort in, reaching out, to no avail. Never give up the hope that things can change..as long as that door is open. ❤ ❤

  3. I am sorry for your loss.

    I do not do this on other blogs as a rule. My pain is recent and you may find catharthis as I recently finished the same journey you took:

    https://dunelight.wordpress.com/2018/04/11/three-bells/

    • You are very kind. I will definitely look at your post. Condolences are not strong enough, so I will wish that moments of joy come to you in time when you can accept them.


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