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sign of anxiety 1

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This beautiful, open, honest young woman ~ Anna Clendening ~ put a face on anxiety, panic attacks and depression for millions of people.

Every person who has ever suffered a panic attack, a depressive disorder, an anxiety attack or any other mental health issue, has spent a life in shadow. The stigma, lies, shame and fear has kept each one locked in an individual cage of isolation. Some suffer for minutes, others suffer for years. So many suffer alone or cannot get relief from conventional methods.

The blame and casting off from those who have never mourned, grieved, struggled to get out of bed, or make it through another day is the real dis-ease in our society. To those who foolishly think they are immune, there is not one person who has not been touched by some form of anxiety, phobia, depressive disorder or mental health issue in their inner circle of family and friends.

I can only say that I sobbed as I listened to her heart and soul bared for all to see. I imagine that if you have a shred of empathy, or have ever experienced such pain or despair, you will find it hard not to cry with her as well.

Life is filled with peaks and valleys…. Anna Clendening climbed out of the darkest of months to honestly share her situation, on national television, and offered hope to others who struggle silently each day. The love of her parents gave her strength and she showed the courage and strength others take for granted. This is Bravery.

What a breath of fresh air ~ Hallelujah!

Watching another set of elderly parents change, consider, reconsider, and wait to be told the “right” answer is so painful.  It brings up fear and and anxiety for those who cannot recall the numerous complicated steps to the the waltz of Life. It shows a glimpse of those things that will have to be attended to, coordinated and arranged for the unwilling participants. 

For me, as I try to be strong and dependable in the light of another crisis of time, faith and family,   there are moments of tears and flooding memories.  It feels like a post traumatic stress response to the the sounds of decay, despair and discordant notes in the trailing notes of the last song.

It has to be OK because there is no other way out.  But the path is no longer clear to walk.  It is always in shadow, with dried twigs and brambles to step around cautiously.  There is movement in darkened corners and fear from not having been on this route before.  There will be many adjustments and accommodations to make the necessary baggage lighter and lighter, until only the soul lifts off to the light, leaving the body with the empty husks and teetering emptiness of acorn shells on the abandoned pathway.

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planets spinning in space

All those beautiful images that proliferate on the internet: the sun rising or setting, birds fluttering above a wire, babies learning to crawl, trees changing colors, tulips and crocuses popping through the snow crusted ground. They make you believe that you can do anything, achieve anything, try anything.

I am trying to go back to school. It is my belief that I am a lifelong learner and capable of more than others know. It is also my belief that I am certainly capable of more than I have been told by some. Encouragement does not always come from the sources that you think it should and I keep trying to persevere.

But what I am finding is that among those images, there is not one of an over middle-age woman screaming at her computer to stop the monotone voice describing financial formula calculations in Excel. None of them show someone reaching for the aspirin to drown the stress headache from studying internal rates of review, present value, and future value of money. None of them show the terror, fear and panic inside the brain of trying to compress knowledge into a place where it never existed.

As I heard the professor say, ever so calmly, that we are going to incorporate algebraic formulas to express the conceptual values of numbers, the blood vessels in my head began to twitch. As he continued to identify some formulas with Roman numerals in place of integers, one blood vessel actually began shrieking for its Mommy.

When I chose to improve myself, and put my tuition on my credit card, I had no idea that I would have to figure out the internal rate of return on an annuity of X number of years at Y percentage rate to calculate the Future Value of Money and compounding? No wonder anyone who wins the lottery takes the lump sum! The pressure of that kind of math and accounting makes my teeth grind.

I am dizzy just writing this. Did your eyes glaze? Did you skip over the words I wrote? C’mon, it is OK. I cannot be the only one who feels the bile and hysteria rise in my throat as I approach this subject.

There are pain relievers for migraines, body aches, inflammation and bloating.
Please tell me on what shelf the real meds are located for the other vagaries of life? If you want to sell pain reliever and create a pharmaceutical monopoly, then don’t just change the font or color of your labels. Create a true panacea for what really ails me!

—- Adolescent teenagers
—- Difficult colleagues
—- Paying bills
—- Graduate School as a mature learner

How about low dose pain relievers for:

—- what to make for dinner?
—- whose birthday did I forget?
—- arguing over the mess in the bathroom?

We have more medications and more questions with fewer answers and massive amounts of fatigue. When you calculate how to resolve that equation, please get back to me.

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Thanks for stopping by! It means more than you know.
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