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Category Archives: Dreams

planets spinning in space

All those beautiful images that proliferate on the internet: the sun rising or setting, birds fluttering above a wire, babies learning to crawl, trees changing colors, tulips and crocuses popping through the snow crusted ground. They make you believe that you can do anything, achieve anything, try anything.

I am trying to go back to school. It is my belief that I am a lifelong learner and capable of more than others know. It is also my belief that I am certainly capable of more than I have been told by some. Encouragement does not always come from the sources that you think it should and I keep trying to persevere.

But what I am finding is that among those images, there is not one of an over middle-age woman screaming at her computer to stop the monotone voice describing financial formula calculations in Excel. None of them show someone reaching for the aspirin to drown the stress headache from studying internal rates of review, present value, and future value of money. None of them show the terror, fear and panic inside the brain of trying to compress knowledge into a place where it never existed.

As I heard the professor say, ever so calmly, that we are going to incorporate algebraic formulas to express the conceptual values of numbers, the blood vessels in my head began to twitch. As he continued to identify some formulas with Roman numerals in place of integers, one blood vessel actually began shrieking for its Mommy.

When I chose to improve myself, and put my tuition on my credit card, I had no idea that I would have to figure out the internal rate of return on an annuity of X number of years at Y percentage rate to calculate the Future Value of Money and compounding? No wonder anyone who wins the lottery takes the lump sum! The pressure of that kind of math and accounting makes my teeth grind.

I am dizzy just writing this. Did your eyes glaze? Did you skip over the words I wrote? C’mon, it is OK. I cannot be the only one who feels the bile and hysteria rise in my throat as I approach this subject.

There are pain relievers for migraines, body aches, inflammation and bloating.
Please tell me on what shelf the real meds are located for the other vagaries of life? If you want to sell pain reliever and create a pharmaceutical monopoly, then don’t just change the font or color of your labels. Create a true panacea for what really ails me!

—- Adolescent teenagers
—- Difficult colleagues
—- Paying bills
—- Graduate School as a mature learner

How about low dose pain relievers for:

—- what to make for dinner?
—- whose birthday did I forget?
—- arguing over the mess in the bathroom?

We have more medications and more questions with fewer answers and massive amounts of fatigue. When you calculate how to resolve that equation, please get back to me.

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Thanks for stopping by! It means more than you know.
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In the midst of things going wrong, and life taking turns we did not expect, remember that you may be the Angel that someone else is waiting for.

dove_I made you

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thanks for stopping by! it means more than you know.
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freshly-pressed-circle

conceptual by sadalit

In my wistful dreams, I hope to see my mother or hear the messages to strengthen me during difficult times. Sometimes, I am so busy in my dreams ~ colors, images, conversations, names and places, looking around and visually taking inventory ~ and wake up exhausted.

The only fragment I could recall yesterday was holding my mother’s glasses and looking through them. I knew that I could not see clearly because our prescriptions were not the same. Yet, I looked through them and recall thinking how our friend must have changed the lenses because suddenly I could see through them!

I don’t recall seeing my mother directly, but thought about how I was seeing through her eyes. Was it a message that she could see me? My own thoughts were that now I must see the world through her eyes. Perhaps, it is her vision, but my eyes that need to see clearly.

Where my mother saw rainbows, I saw rain. Where my mother saw trees, I saw the walls that framed them. Every day was an adventure for my mother and she greeted each one with a smile.

She continued to tell my father, as she woke each day, “One more day to say I Love You.”

I am struggling mightily to see the world through her eyes. Ironically, my eyes pick up colors and pay attention to things that I never looked at before. Perhaps she is pushing me softly, encouraging me, to look at things in a different way. As for myself, I see them and know how much my mother would have enjoyed a certain color, a toy, seeing the leaves change, and look forward to admiring the Thanksgiving table.

The visions I had hoped for have not occurred, but perhaps it is a Mother’s love giving me the gift of sight, and stepping out of the way, to let me look forward.

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