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Category Archives: Loss

But my brain never forgets either….

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It is that time again when I struggle to add acceptance to the other stages of grief that are playing with me again.

Anxiety, crankiness, frustration and other emotional tides are tossing me about.  It is the anniversary of a death.  I have joys and family opportunities to celebrate life and gratitude. My life has been altered by giving others permission to express their pain and truth.  We each need to be supported and encouraged to be accepted through all of our life experiences.  When I try to deny that to myself, my heart and mind know the truth.  My emotions are fragile.  Loss of a loved one is understood acutely by someone who has experienced that same gaping pain.

That anniversary surrounds me with memories of the days leading up to the passing of someone who loved me.  Looking back, I realize that I thought I had more time than I did.

My responsibilities and commitments were honored, although it didn’t mean as much to the recipients as it did to me.  When I tried to be strong, and denied myself the empathy I offered to others, I missed one more chance to say goodbye.  Another hug, or a kiss, or a kind word slipped away from me in regret.

So, now it is my turn.  Overwhelming grief makes a liar out of time.  Passage is just hands on a clock until it is someone else’s time to mourn.

 

 

 

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saying someone cant be sad because someone else has it better

To anyone who has suffered a loss of self – a job, a loved one, an estrangement, a broken heart, wrenching illness, pain, or the million other tragedies that occur out of our control – this is a most difficult season.

I am not minimizing the loving family images, or the stirrings of home and hearth, that they elicit. But, in the season of comparisons, we feel incomplete.

We want the fantasy; the cozy fire glowing and reflecting the lights and sparkle of holidays sets us dreaming.

However, this is the season of comparison.

To those who still continue to grieve, or have just begun, regardless of the length of time, our mourning has no expiration date. Seeing all those happy shiny faces is a stark reminder of what, and whom, we have lost. The family traditions and holiday overload can be painful knowing our hearts will never be quite healed and that there are certain times that can accentuate the particular pain and loss that is being endured. It is hard to remember that you are not alone and that not everyone has a perfect life behind the facade.

We are thankful and acknowledge our gratitude and appreciation. Yet, we are also quite aware that we are no longer the same person in the “new normal.” For someone else to suggest that we don’t deserve to acknowledge our sadness, loss, and sorrow, is a selfish and gratuitous remark; like all of the other platitudes such as “Life goes on” and “You are still grieving?!” Remember, these comments are a lack of empathy on someone else’s part and do not represent a failing in you. You deserve to take as much time as you need to mourn your respective loss.

Sometimes, the best we can hope for is a kind friend. Grief and heartache are individual, and too delicate, to place in the hands of those who cannot understand for they have never walked the journey.

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I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am.
– Sylvia Plath

“How do you tell if something’s alive? You check for breathing.”
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

In one of those rare moments when I rose above the pain, I realized that I was breathing. It was not just one of those shallow breaths that we hold onto for too long; it rose above me and out towards the world.

I had been holding my breath for so long, or trying not to, that I did not know how good it would feel.

This was a moment when I realized I could see beyond the grief. Once I exhaled, I realized that I had clarity in my mind as well as my body.

These moments are to be treasured for breathing is no simple task. Holding onto our air and diving deep, or being submerged with no known way out, takes more effort. It costs more, it feels more, to withhold our breath.

My grief and loss took my breath away and I did not know how long it would take to get it back. Once I did, I realized just how long I had been under the ebbs and flows of pounding waves, and how long it had taken me to come out to shore. My feet pressing into the Earth was a reminder that other parts of my body denied attention were still there.

Trying to ground myself deeper into being reminded me that those whose lack of empathy or compassion was truly hurtful no longer deserved my attention. It was my own once again.

Even if it only happened once in awhile, I was miraculously able to acknowledge it, appreciate it, and wait for its next return.

faith

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Three Letter Words.”

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April is a time of Spring, a renewal of Earth, a reminder of Spirit.

My birthday is this month as is an anniversary of my Mother’s passing.

Growing, hoping, praying, dreaming…….

Crying, rising, falling, never forgetting where we could be if a brilliant life hadn’t been shortened by a cruel disease.

My grief still stings; tears fill my eyes and fall without permission.

Forever more, knowing that I have lived another year, means remembering another year that took Mommy away.

No matter a fragile number of my years, my mother’s love reminded me that I became special to someone when brought into this world.  With my mother’s passing, I still feel bereft, forgotten, as no love could be as pure as that which my mother offered to me.

Grief takes a position at my table like a ghost; it is a guest that refuses to leave.  With me always, though never again, loss still takes my breath away.

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