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Category Archives: Sarcasm

george carlin men are stupid

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A PRAYER FOR THOSE GROWING OLDER

Lord, Thou knowest that I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.

Release me from the craving to straighten out everyone’s affairs.

Keep me from the recital of endless detail. Give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains; they are increasing with the years and my love to speak of them grows sweeter as time goes by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Make me thoughtful but not nosy; helpful but not bossy.

With my vast store of wisdom and experiences it does seem a pity not to use it all. But Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

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planets spinning in space

All those beautiful images that proliferate on the internet: the sun rising or setting, birds fluttering above a wire, babies learning to crawl, trees changing colors, tulips and crocuses popping through the snow crusted ground. They make you believe that you can do anything, achieve anything, try anything.

I am trying to go back to school. It is my belief that I am a lifelong learner and capable of more than others know. It is also my belief that I am certainly capable of more than I have been told by some. Encouragement does not always come from the sources that you think it should and I keep trying to persevere.

But what I am finding is that among those images, there is not one of an over middle-age woman screaming at her computer to stop the monotone voice describing financial formula calculations in Excel. None of them show someone reaching for the aspirin to drown the stress headache from studying internal rates of review, present value, and future value of money. None of them show the terror, fear and panic inside the brain of trying to compress knowledge into a place where it never existed.

As I heard the professor say, ever so calmly, that we are going to incorporate algebraic formulas to express the conceptual values of numbers, the blood vessels in my head began to twitch. As he continued to identify some formulas with Roman numerals in place of integers, one blood vessel actually began shrieking for its Mommy.

When I chose to improve myself, and put my tuition on my credit card, I had no idea that I would have to figure out the internal rate of return on an annuity of X number of years at Y percentage rate to calculate the Future Value of Money and compounding? No wonder anyone who wins the lottery takes the lump sum! The pressure of that kind of math and accounting makes my teeth grind.

I am dizzy just writing this. Did your eyes glaze? Did you skip over the words I wrote? C’mon, it is OK. I cannot be the only one who feels the bile and hysteria rise in my throat as I approach this subject.

There are pain relievers for migraines, body aches, inflammation and bloating.
Please tell me on what shelf the real meds are located for the other vagaries of life? If you want to sell pain reliever and create a pharmaceutical monopoly, then don’t just change the font or color of your labels. Create a true panacea for what really ails me!

—- Adolescent teenagers
—- Difficult colleagues
—- Paying bills
—- Graduate School as a mature learner

How about low dose pain relievers for:

—- what to make for dinner?
—- whose birthday did I forget?
—- arguing over the mess in the bathroom?

We have more medications and more questions with fewer answers and massive amounts of fatigue. When you calculate how to resolve that equation, please get back to me.

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Thanks for stopping by! It means more than you know.
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This is not only an entertaining blog, but it is an educational one.

Don’t say we did not warn you.

Apparently there is a relatively new way to excite weather buffs. The allure of publicity has convinced the crew at the Weather Channel to create a list of names for snow storms. Like other given names for hurricanes, tsunamis and pandemics, there is one for each letter of the alphabet. According to their explanation, there are good reasons for naming Winter storms as seen below:

Naming Winter Storms

Hurricanes and tropical storms have been given names since the 1940s. In the late 1800s, tropical systems near Australia were named as well. Weather systems, including winter storms, have been named in Europe since the 1950s. Important dividends have resulted from attaching names to these storms:

• Naming a storm raises awareness.

• Attaching a name makes it much easier to follow a weather system’s progress.

• A storm with a name takes on a personality all its own, which adds to awareness.

• In today’s social media world, a name makes it much easier to reference in communication.

• A named storm is easier to remember and refer to in the future

While this is all well and good to raise awareness, then the given names should have some meaning for listeners and be indicative of the severity and effects of such storms.

Currently, the names are Greek and Roman gods and goddesses. Some of the names may ring a bell. One of the approved names for a winter storm this year is “Vulcan.” The Trekkies have invaded the Weather Channel. Vulcans lack emotion so this should represent an easy going, “no fear” kind of storm. For most people, hearing this name will not raise caution at all. However, using that robot from “Lost in Space” ~~~~ who waves his arms and screams “Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!”~~~~ would cause much more widespread concern.

This week’s massive storm sliding up the North Eastern corridor is named Pax. To some of you, that is one of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s six children; this is known as the People magazine effect. The Greek name “Pax” translates to Peace. If each storm name takes on a personality of its own, then this week’s storm has a serious case of bipolar disorder.

If naming a storm is supposed to inform, warn and caution, then choose names that people will identify with.

For example, here in the Mid-Atlantic, each time a massive storm is rumored to be approaching, you hear the same words over and over again. MILK. BREAD. BOTTLED WATER. TOILET PAPER. Store shelves are emptied. Terror reigns. So wouldn’t that be much more appropriate? Hurricanes have categories, why not snowstorms?

“Oh Jim, this is a major storm forming off the coast of Canada. It will meet in the middle and then head East with a fiercely icy cold jetstream. Folks, we will keep you informed, but this is a 3-PLY storm starting in the Carolinas.”

“Diane, I am standing here on the shores of Lake Michigan. The winds are whipping out of control and frothy waves are churning on the Lake. All this air movement and cold air is creating a ½ LITER expected to bring snow across the Plains and the Midwest.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time to get out those shovels again. We are watching a system forming off the Atlantic Ocean that looks to be a POLAND SPRING. Please get all necessary supplies ready.”

I almost forgot about the BREAD warnings!! Obviously, they should be on a scale so that they RISE depending on its worsening. Then, forecasters could discuss how much DOUGH it will cost the Department of Transportation to bring in trucks from other states to help stranded motorists.

“If you can stay home today, please do stay off the roads. With the combination of ice, sleet, freezing rain and up to 5 inches of snow, this is a MULTIGRAIN emergency! Be sure you have batteries, an emergency radio and a working toaster.”

“Please remember your animals’ safety in these terrible wintry conditions. Kansas and Oklahoma have issued a PEPPERIDGE FARM Alert for all of the entire listening area!”

See, wouldn’t that make things simpler?

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Thanks for stopping by and bringing your sense of humor and silliness! I promise, I won’t do this again.
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