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Tag Archives: memories

amazing mother

A few weeks ago, I found myself lost in a time warp. Hours magically disappeared and I found myself wandering in the past…..

I took a trip to Target. For some, this is a weekly occurrence; for me, I have embraced online shopping for a long time, but decided to take a detour from my usual daily living.

While wandering the aisles, I looked at the arts and crafts supplies that I used to purchase in abundance. I saw the loot bags and treats to celebrate birthdays with young friends. Pretty clothing, funny tshirts, shorts, socks, small-sized sneakers… These used to be a few of my favorite things.

The shelves were crushed with fruit juice boxes and jumbo size bags of chips and snacks for packing 15 years of school lunches. I had lists of Column A and Column B choices for each child’s particular pickiness about fruits, sides, and main lunch options. Despite years of uneaten lunches and complaints, they all appear to have grown well and not a malnourished child in sight.

I am now so far away from being that parent to small children for whom I wanted to make things perfect. The attempts to find things to make them smile and be the prince or princess of their days seems long forgotten and dusty in their memories.

But, it was a reminder of where my life used to be, and transported me to another country, time, and place. Hours and years disappeared as I wandered those aisles.

I know that they cannot remember so many of the fine details that I labored over or the worries that entangled each decision for their well-being.

The life of a mother is long, as are the memories, and even when no one else can remember, we do. Our children are always in our hearts and on our minds; even the details of a life lived in the past remain with us always.

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Thank you for stopping by! I hope that you enjoy your visit.

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death_maya angelou

My mother died five years ago today.  But, tears still come to my eyes.  My children have expressed (or discontinued contact) their opinions on their own childhood as each person packs and carries his/her emotional baggage.

 

Things were not perfect in my relationship with my mother.  I, too, have my own memories of difficult times, very different personalities, or way of thinking.  For those that hear the story, their degrees of separation make them smile at my mother’s behavior.

 

Her way is how she was and is remembered by so many.  Mom made people feel comfortable and welcomed in friendship even if they had met for the first time.  She wrote letters to a jailed community member to comfort him (we knew nothing about this until after she had died).

 

Despite the differences, losing my parent was very painful.  She died of a cruel terminal disease so we watched her suffer before she eventually passed away.  For her it was a blessing, but the gap that she left behind is so large that my father is still struggling to bridge it.

 

She left behind many grandchildren and great grandchildren who would be so grateful to have such a woman in their lives.  Now, she is a photo or the subject of a brief story.  Mom is a reminiscence or a smile.

 

But, for me, tears still continue to fall.  Grief is elastic but never fully leaves the spirit.  It is a goodbye that never ends because there is nothing like a parent and no depth of love that can ever replace it.

 

I don’t know if it is so, but I hope that she is still watching me from the door as I walk away…..

 

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Thanks for stopping by.  It means more than you know.
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travel quote_pat conroy

There is so much planning in creating a trip so unique from your regular routine.  There is an anxiety about work, the flights and details, perhaps, a language barrier.  Yet, when months of anticipation have led to an actual experience, a thousand different moments and sights crystallize into a unique treasure box of memories in the brain.  When the lid is opened, colors and sounds coalesce to create a private escape.

A new destination creates awareness of a whole new way of being, living, and processing.  It is so expansive, it is hard to believe that others have not changed during that time.  Time has passed! Haven’t you thought, heard, considered, determined, observed?  Have you changed at all or any of the things that you have done?

But, it is I who have changed, for I am not willing to tolerate the mediocre once my mind has been opened to new possibilities of adventure and appreciation.  The journey continues within to push me forward to new destinations and stories with a new ending.

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller
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Thank you for stopping by!! I hope that you enjoy your visit.

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“Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.”

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Hyperion

broken heart

Grief is not a competition.  Sadness has no limit.  Physical or mental pain is not on a scale in comparison to any other individual.

Again and again, I am reminded that people who have not experienced what we have, feel that they are entitled to tell you how long, how much, or how valid your feelings are.  Can you tell me why I don’t like eggplant?  Can you tell me why I don’t like the color brown?  Of course not; we are individuals with a lifetime of experience and determination of our needs, likes, dislikes and depth of emotion and intuition.

Some people are very vocal about every ache and pain.  Others hide it in shame or fear.

You are entitled to your pain and grieving.  No matter how much time has passed, if you are still mourning, no one has the right to tell you to “get over it.”  Some heartaches never go away.

If you are in pain today, I hope you are sent healing.  If you are mourning, I hope that you find some comfort, or at least a hand to hold while you cry.  If you are feeling so alone in your sadness or grief, please know that anyone else who has actually experienced a great loss will never try to silence yours, but will understand that some wounds never heal.  

You are still putting one foot in front of another.  You are a survivor.

 

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Thank you for stopping by.  I hope that you find comfort here.

In memory of Mom.

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