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I have been giving a lot of thought to those compassionate empathetic people who have had bad experiences where they trusted and gave their heart, where their commitment and loyalty was taken advantage of, and most of all, those who have experienced the psychological tangle of narcissism in their relationships.

Primarily, if anyone ever says that you, your behavior, your caring, or relationship caused them to be angry, harm, to behave badly, or abuse in any way, GET OUT!  An emotionally and mentally mature person is responsible for their own behaviors and claiming otherwise is the first red flag.

This is a mentally and emotionally draining and toxic relationship for those with high levels of empathy.  Because of how strongly we feel about human relations, and expect people to behave as positively and cooperatively as we, we hope to “love” someone out of that kind of behavior or think that time will change a narcissistic personality.

Unfortunately, and what is so exceedingly difficult for empathic individuals, it feels like a defeat to try and accept that the relationship cannot become healthy in time.  Our nature is to pour so much caring and attention on the other person, that we remain in these toxic and draining relationships for far longer than is healthy for us.

Rational people don’t twist and condemn.  There is no attempt to attack with a “witness” loyal to them to draw sides (triangulation) or make an argument seem cogent.  A narcissist will try to convince you that you did or did not say, do, act, behave, offend and then claim that you don’t remember to create doubt or question your mentality(gaslighting).  Sensitive people will question their own behavior or sanity in an attempt to satisfy the claims of someone that they care for to create a peaceful environment.

There are many emotional vampires who love the combination of adoration, drama, fierce loyalty, protection, and lavish amounts of time, effort, and highly focused attention.

Not only does this kind of toxic relationship leave psychological scars, but affects those around who witness it, like children.  Healing is a very long road and support from trained social workers or therapists can be very beneficial.

It is painfully difficult when there are families involved because no one wants to break up a home and damage is done trying to break those ties from binding future generations.  But, if you can shine a little of the light that you willingly and freely shine upon others, on yourself with self-care and reestablish some self esteem, your burden will be lessened, some of your energy will be restored, and you can begin to fray those cords that have held you.

It is not easy by any means to break free as the two-sided behaviors of a toxic person can pull you in by being so loving and kind at times.  But, remember that you cannot save others until you save yourself and find a space to breathe easier and more fully.

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I hope today brings you a little sunshine to shine brightly on you and your spirit.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/shock/

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upon reflection_sea and sky

In a world of misunderstandings, have we improved our relationship this year? or, did we merely act as a prelude to goodbye?  It is so hard to know what is right and wrong moving forward as we carry along the subjective judgment of the past.

 

My hope is that your anger is diminished, your sorrow is lightened, your peace is restored, your dreams come true, and that the world can reflect the light that shines deeply within you.

reflection_miniature world liquid

 

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Thank you for stopping by.  What will you reflect upon this year?

I hope that you enjoy your visit.

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Look at the eye contact passing between mother and daughter before the tape even begins!!  Oooooooohh.

The Academy Awards ~ bright lights, expensive gowns, hair and makeup, and publicity. Lots of publicity!

Melanie Griffith grins at her daughter and tries to keep her comments brief.  Asked if she will see the movie, she says that she cannot and does not need to see it to know how special her daughter is as an actress.

Meanwhile, Dakota Johnson just keeps plugging away. “It is just a movie. You can see it. I am telling you that you can see it.”

Mom Melanie is biting her tongue so hard, she is pulling her own jaw tighter than all that plastic surgery.

No mother wants to watch her child have sex, let alone have to discuss it.  After 24 years of cleaning up vomit, seeing you through chicken pox and stitches, and the misery of adolescence, a mother wants peace.  Mom does not want to watch you naked, and handcuffed to a bed, writhing erotically and moaning, while some sociopath hurts you to feel like a man. You are just going to have to take my word for it.

Dakota just keeps going like the steaming locomotive that all adult children are, with a one track mind, ready to run you over.  But just in case, this adult child will run you over several more times just to make sure you are dead and she has won the argument.

Awkward.

Melanie Griffith is smiling at her daughter.  “Ok, sweetheart….I am so proud.”

Meanwhile, she is silently screaming in her head: 

WE ARE IN FRONT OF ONE BILLION PEOPLE IN OVER 100 COUNTRIES.  FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, STOP YOUR WHINING.  I WILL FIGHT WITH YOU LATER IN THE LIMOUSINE.

Big Smile to the interviewer.

Meanwhile, Dakota does not give up.  It is her constitutional right to keep badgering the point with her mother

~ and actually gives her mother the {eye roll} seen and heard around the world.

As a parent of a young adult, you observe some of the uncomfortable and painful posturing that goes on between other parents and their children, particularly in social conditions.  The adult child is over the age of 21 and demands to be heard, as well as having the last word, on any subject involving her.

As parents, what we really want is to simply end the fight with as few words as possible.  We want compromise, and if at all possible, a shred of dignity.

While we do not want to see anyone suffer, it is a comfort to know that other parents are struggling to navigate the huge minefield of emotions, hormones, and independence.

Then, you realize that even with all the advantages this child grew up with, sadly, the tentative relationship between mothers and daughters is something we each have to go through.  So, maybe, we are not doing so badly after all.

(I truly empathize with this mother because those of us with young adult, or adolescent children, have been in this messy verbal sparring before.  There is no black and white as a mother……..as we endeavour to try our best, it is ALL Shades of Gray!…..I will leave the masochism jokes to someone else).

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Thanks for stopping by! I appreciate your visit and comments.

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “To Be Resolved.”
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/to-be-resolved/

The resolution that I continue to seek is how to parent, and build a relationship with my adult children from a distance far away not to block their view, but let them see that I still keep a light on in the window.

When it comes to the relationship with our children, I don’t know that we ever reach “resolution” because we each change every day.  I am trying to respect the distance even if my experience with my parents was different.

Since this is a major goal in my life, and always was, I am reprinting this post from July 16, 2014.

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theempathyqueen

generations by gilad

I love you and you will always be my child. I have been trying to stretch and grow to accommodate your view of life, but I realize that I am uncomfortable at times. Perhaps, it is because I am out of my comfort zone trying to be inside of yours. When I raised you, I had hoped to give you good character and kindness. Given your origins, independence, intelligence, and strong opinions could not help but be part of your nature. Sometimes, those opinions hurt me. You know I am sensitive and I was an easy target. But, still, I love you.

You have chosen to live your life differently than I have chosen to live mine. I try to keep my door open to you whenever you want to walk through it. We have made, and continue to make, different choices. I did not want to choose sides. I…

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