I did not know if I would ever hear from you again. Now, I still don’t know if that was the last time.
In the past year, I have wondered so many times about this conversation.
Our conversation would last as long as you chose; I would not be the one to end it. There was an awkward ending but perhaps that was already more than you needed or wanted.
We spoke about the mundane and true concerns I have about work, money and family. You told me of your accomplishments — and indeed, they truly are achievements. You have continued to add to your list of milestones all on your own. Your circle of support and personal successes continue to grow and you know that you are loved.
Do you want me to say that I am proud? Or, have I already lost that opportunity? I wish I knew what would help and comfort you the most. I am very happy for you and hope that you are too. I am proud for you.
What I did not talk about was the great time we had in New York with our cousins. Or, the great dinner we had with another visiting cousin where we laughed.
I did not talk about my mother whose absence I carry with me each day.
I did not tell you about the joy that the boys bring me or the gratitude for close knit family and friends.
When I listen to music at my desk, I let the beat soothe me, but you will always be everywhere to me.
Maybe you felt like nothing has changed in all this time. We have become the people that are always available and where we belong if you ever need us. You can travel around the world and we are still in our little backyard.
I received one more time and now I don’t know if that was the last time. I did not know if this day would ever come or if it will ever come again. My eyes still search out your changing profile. Your name still lights up neurons in my brain. You are still a part of me despite the separation. What would I say if I had one more time?
My door and my heart remain open……….