So many hours until the light

Watching another set of elderly parents change, consider, reconsider, and wait to be told the “right” answer is so painful.  It brings up fear and and anxiety for those who cannot recall the numerous complicated steps to the the waltz of Life. It shows a glimpse of those things that will have to be attended to, coordinated and arranged for the unwilling participants. 

For me, as I try to be strong and dependable in the light of another crisis of time, faith and family,   there are moments of tears and flooding memories.  It feels like a post traumatic stress response to the the sounds of decay, despair and discordant notes in the trailing notes of the last song.

It has to be OK because there is no other way out.  But the path is no longer clear to walk.  It is always in shadow, with dried twigs and brambles to step around cautiously.  There is movement in darkened corners and fear from not having been on this route before.  There will be many adjustments and accommodations to make the necessary baggage lighter and lighter, until only the soul lifts off to the light, leaving the body with the empty husks and teetering emptiness of acorn shells on the abandoned pathway.

Legacy Always Comes Before Motherhood ~ at least in the Dictionary

Daily Prompt: Don’t You Forget About Me

I remember working until four days before my first child was born. I had gotten a college degree, a license to sell securities, begun an M.B.A. and moved countries. All of those things occurred before I was married!

Life changed and it did not. I wanted to be a mother and could not imagine who I would have been if I had not been able to become one. However, after the rush of things to do academically and career-wise, in those early 20’s, I discovered that old habits died hard.

Right after my son was born, I remember distinctly worrying about my resume and being sure that it was up to date so I could find another job if and when I had to. Then, being the ambitious person that I was, I knew that I wanted my children to have siblings close in age. That was a legacy that my mother gifted to me. So, I thought that I could raise two babies as easily as one.

People made jokes and asked me if I “Knew how it happened” and “What about buying a TV?” But we had our million dollar family. Over the next five years, we were blessed to make it a two million dollar family.

The things I want my children to remember are not the ones that they do. Sadly, the worst moments of our lives often live longer in memory than the crazy, fun, or creative ones. As a mother, it seems that the only legacy I leave is the one viewed in my children’s’ eyes. They will share what they recall with their children and friends. That is who I will be. Whether I tried to be that person, or not, that is how I will remain.

At the end of my days though, I will know in my heart, as I do now, that I was able to give my children the legacy of family. My mother was the historian and the fun grandmother. My father is the one who earned my children’s respect and whose advice they seek. So, if I do nothing else right, I had the decency to be born to wonderful parents ~~~ who made fabulous grandparents and great grandparents!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/16/prompt-dont-foget/
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Moving Confidently Toward Your Dreams OR Where is The Pain Reliever Located?

All those beautiful images that proliferate on the internet: the sun rising or setting, birds fluttering above a wire, babies learning to crawl, trees changing colors, tulips and crocuses popping through the snow crusted ground. They make you believe that you can do anything, achieve anything, try anything.

I am trying to go back to school. It is my belief that I am a lifelong learner and capable of more than others know. It is also my belief that I am certainly capable of more than I have been told by some. Encouragement does not always come from the sources that you think it should and I keep trying to persevere.

But what I am finding is that among those images, there is not one of an over middle-age woman screaming at her computer to stop the monotone voice describing financial formula calculations in Excel. None of them show someone reaching for the aspirin to drown the stress headache from studying internal rates of review, present value, and future value of money. None of them show the terror, fear and panic inside the brain of trying to compress knowledge into a place where it never existed.

As I heard the professor say, ever so calmly, that we are going to incorporate algebraic formulas to express the conceptual values of numbers, the blood vessels in my head began to twitch. As he continued to identify some formulas with Roman numerals in place of integers, one blood vessel actually began shrieking for its Mommy.

When I chose to improve myself, and put my tuition on my credit card, I had no idea that I would have to figure out the internal rate of return on an annuity of X number of years at Y percentage rate to calculate the Future Value of Money and compounding? No wonder anyone who wins the lottery takes the lump sum! The pressure of that kind of math and accounting makes my teeth grind.

I am dizzy just writing this. Did your eyes glaze? Did you skip over the words I wrote? C’mon, it is OK. I cannot be the only one who feels the bile and hysteria rise in my throat as I approach this subject.

There are pain relievers for migraines, body aches, inflammation and bloating.
Please tell me on what shelf the real meds are located for the other vagaries of life? If you want to sell pain reliever and create a pharmaceutical monopoly, then don’t just change the font or color of your labels. Create a true panacea for what really ails me!

—- Adolescent teenagers
—- Difficult colleagues
—- Paying bills
—- Graduate School as a mature learner

How about low dose pain relievers for:

—- what to make for dinner?
—- whose birthday did I forget?
—- arguing over the mess in the bathroom?

We have more medications and more questions with fewer answers and massive amounts of fatigue. When you calculate how to resolve that equation, please get back to me.

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All the World is a Stage ~ and I am Aging Upon It, Part 2

I got into an elevator at work yesterday. The other occupant was a sweaty man who had just come back from a sturdy workout in the corporate gym. He barely touched the button for his floor and the alarm rang. I said that it was sensitive. He said “I am too. I am a sensitive guy. Like a sensitive guy of the 90’s not a guy of the 2000’s.” No, I cannot make up this stuff.

See, a rationalization. But a classy way to prove the value of being older and more mature.

I am not as lithe and thin as I once was. Incredibly I had so much energy and would walk a mile each way to buy a pound of gourmet jelly beans in my teen years. Not only could I not do that now, I would also have to worry about diabetes.

Choosing and making excuses that sugar is so important to me for self-wellness (and feeding my inner child?) and just relaxes me while I read and rest, I attempt to rationalize the value and virtue of eating candy.

I need the right cosmetics to cover the hyperpigmentation and redness on my face. Those years of baby oil and sunbathing are far behind me. Only quality products will contain the necessary SPF and finish that brightens without mattifying. So many things to consider. So, am I merely taking care of my skin as a mature 50 year old should or did I become a Sephora Insider because I adore colored eyeliners, lots of nail polish and keep hunting for the perfect lipstick? Makeup is fun and one size actually does fit all.

Rationalization is the art of making choices for valued and considered reasons regardless of the truth of the debate. I am good with that.

I got help with one of my best rationalizations from my father. I have fulfilled this and passed it on down to my children. If you find something that you like, and it fits well, buy it in as many colors as able or at least two or three of the same item since you will not find it again.

We share these delights with our families, so really we are creating memories —and there is no replacement for that, right?!?

See how easy this game is. Yes, you too can do this and no membership fee is required. Of course a colonoscopy may be necessary.

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